TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
by Ster J
Summary: All five stories in one location: Fledgling, Morning Mists, The Song of the Two Brothers, We Grieve Together, and Wonder of Wonders.
1. Fledgling

_**TIME TO SAY GOODBYE**_

**_by Ster Julie_**

Series: TOS

Codes: Sa, S; angst; character death

Rating: PG

LEXICON: All Vulcan words are from the Vulcan-English dictionary.

_Adun _(husband; my husband)

_Aduna _(wife; my wife)

_Sa-mekh_ (father)

_Ko-mekh_ (mother)

_Sa-mekh'al _(grandfather)

_c'thia_ (way of logic)

_S'haile_ (male honorific, like "my lord" or "sire")

_T'sai_ (Female honorific, like "my lady" or "madam")

_katra_ (Vulcan version of a soul)

_-kam_ (diminutive suffix for someone close, as a child)

_kahs'wan _(Test of maturity)

_Kolinahr_ (Vulcan asceticism)

_Reldai_ (Vulcan priestess)

_fal tor pann_ (the re-fusion of _katra_ and body)

_lematya_ (large desert predator with poisonous claws)

_**1. Fledgling**_

Summary: Sarek has just sensed Spock's death. His reaction is not logical.

--ooOoo--

Sarek stumbled in mid-stride. He fumbled in his words. His aides rushed to his side.

Sarek never stumbled.

Sarek never fumbled.

Something must be terribly wrong.

-

Sarek felt his parental bond extinguished, severed, ripped apart, _obliterated! _He searched frantically as darkness threatened to overwhelm him. Who? Sybok? No. It was Spock.

"No!" he gasped as he fell to his knees. _"SPOCK-KAM!"_

-

_Sa-mekh?_

_Spock-kam?_

_What is this place, sa-mekh?_

_I do not know, Spock-kam._

_It is very dark here. I am . . . I am frightened._

_Take my hand, Little One._

_I don't understand what's going on, sa-mekh._

_I do not know what happened, my son. What do you remember?_

_I . . .I remember being very warm and very, very hot. Everyone was afraid. They were struggling to escape. I was the only one able to help, but I had to get very, very hot. I was . . . frightened . . . because I was so alone._

_You are never alone. I taught you that long ago. As long as we share this bond, we are never apart. I know when your katra sings to me. And I know your katra sings still to your brother._

_No one will ever hear my katra sing again, Sa-Sa, and that makes me cry._

_Oh, don't cry, Little One. Here, let me take your tears._

_There are so many._

_I will take them all from you. That is your sa-mekh's job: to ease your fears, to teach you the way of c'thia, and to keep you safe._

_I have to go away from you, Sa-Sa. Who will keep me safe now?_

_I will hold you close always._

_But you can't. I have to go over there, to that bright light, and I don't want to go. Don't make me go, Sa-Sa!_

_If you must go now, then you must go._

_But I don't want to go, Sa-Sa. Please don't push me. I am so small and the darkness is so big._

_You will not be alone, Little One. Your sa'mekh'al will hold you until I come for you._

_But how can I sing to you if you are not with me? How will I learn the answers to my questions? There is so much more I must learn._

_The light grows impatient, Spock-kam. You must go._

_No, Sa-Sa!_

_Go now. Be a good boy._

_Hold me?_

_Very well. I will hold you one last time._

_Sa-Sa?_

_Yes, Little One?_

_I have to go now._

_Not just yet, Spock-kam._

_I have to go now. You must release me, sa'mekh._

_No._

_You must. It is time._

_No! Not without answers! I cannot release you. How can I let go of my heart?_

_-_

_Spock-kam?_

_-_

_Spock-kam!_

_-_

_NO!_

-

"S'haile?"

Sarek heard the voice calling as if from a distance.

" S'haile?"

"Is he coming around?" Sarek heard another voice say.

"It seems so," the first voice responded. "S'haile? What has happened?"

"Get me Starfleet Command," Sarek ordered in a raspy voice. "I demand answers regarding the death of my son."

END Part 1


	2. Morning Mists

_**2. Morning Mists **_

Summary: Amanda is visited in her dreams by Spock, and she realizes that he has died.

--ooOoo--

Amanda awoke to mists. _Oh, dear! I must have left the bedroom windows open and let the fog come rolling into our room! _

Amanda spotted a dark-robed figure stepping out of the roiling clouds.

_Mother._

A manda recognized the velvety voice of her beloved son. She put out her hands to him as she smiled warmly.

_Spock! How nice of you to come and visit._

_I have come to say farewell._

Amanda was puzzled. She dropped her hands into her lap. _Farewell? Are you going back to your ship?_

_I have come to say farewell._

_You already said that. _Amanda blinked. Spock looked suddenly younger, appearing as he did on that eventful journey to Babel. _What's going on?_ she demanded.

_I have come to say farewell._

Amanda trembled in fear. Something was definitely not right. Now Spock looked as he did that fateful day when he left Vulcan to travel the stars. He was impossibly young and equally as handsome.

_I have come to say farewell._

_Why do you keep saying that? _Amanda demanded worriedly. _Where are you going?_

A knock-kneed little boy in short robes now stood by her bed, ready for his first day of school.

_I have come to say farewell. _He climbed upon her bed and kissed her cheek softly.

A dread dawning came upon Amanda as she understood what had to have happen. She realized that this place between sleep and reality was a gift where she could hold her son one last time. The coming of this day was inevitable. As she cuddled her sweet-smelling son one last time she worried how Sarek would take this awful news.

_Buh-bye, Mama._

Amanda caressed Spock's silken cap of baby fine hair and pressed her lips gently to his brow.

_Goodbye, precious boy. Mama will see you soon._

END part two


	3. The Song of the Two Brothers

_**3. The Song of Two Brothers**_

--ooOoo--

The song abruptly ended.

The resonance Sybok shared with Spock, no matter the distance, was cut off, as if it had never existed.

S ybok probed the emptiness where his _katra_ had communed with Spock's, like poking the tip of one's tongue into the space that once held a tooth. The resonance was gone. The song of two brothers was no more. There was only one explanation. Spock was dead.

Sybok tearfully fumbled in his pack for his tin of incense. He threw a few grains into the embers of his campfire and followed the fragrant smoke starward.

_Rest peacefully, brother._

END part 3


	4. We Grieve Together

_**4. We Grieve Together  
**_

Summary: Sarek and Amanda come together over the death of Spock.

--ooOoo--

Sarek was still trembling when he arrived at the gates to his home. He had thrown up shields around his bond with Amanda, protecting her from the shock of the sudden loss of their son. But now, now there would be no pretense, no protection. Sarek would have to tell his beloved Amanda that the child she risked her life to bear, their only child, she son she loved with a fierce devotion, the delight of her heart, lived no more.

Sarek got no further than the shrine of the ancestors at the front entrance. His hand had automatically reached for a grain of incense to add to the brazier to honor those who had gone before, when he paused. He deliberately picked up a full pinch and placed it on the coals in honor of his lost son. Scooping the fragrant smoke toward him three times, Sarek then covered his face, thus honoring the memory of Spock.

-

Amanda had moved from her bed to a storage closet. She pulled down a sealed carton and removed some of the tiny clothing inside. Amanda took a deep sniff of each item, then put it aside carefully and took out a new one. To a stranger, Amanda's action would appear to be outrageous, but she was remembering the sweet-smelling babe in these very clothes.

Amanda's heart was full of emotions, but the greatest of these was gratitude. Spock's visitation as she walked that nebulous space between sleep and wakefulness -- dream or not, real or not -- was a great gift and consolation to her. She had seen her beautiful boy, held him close once more, and told him goodbye. Yes, there were tears of sorrow and loss, but Amanda couldn't keep from smiling. There would be no regrets.

Amanda's thoughts turned suddenly to Sarek. Surely, he would have felt the paternal bond snap at Spock's passing, and certainly he would have come home immediately, or at the very least, called her by now. Amanda moved down the stairs toward the front entrance. There she could both watch for Sarek's aircar and listen for the comm system.

-

Sarek had sunk to his knees before the shrine. He was lost in a flood of memories of Spock:

-The warm weight of him as Sarek held his son in his arms for the first time;  
-Spock's first baby steps into Sarek's outstretched arms;  
-Watching Spock write his name in Golic runes for the first time;  
-Giving Spock his first lessons in logic, in computers, in science, in playing the lyrette, in what it meant to be a Vulcan;  
-Watching Spock walk out of the Forge at the successful competion of his _kahs'wan_ and delivering him for his bonding ceremony to T'Pring;  
-Dealing with Sybok's influence on Spock;  
-Helping Spock thorough a premature Awakening, and taking him to the _reldai_ to deal with it;  
-Loosing Spock to Starfleet;  
-Regaining his son, and his very life, aboard the Enterprise;  
-Returning Spock to his ship and his former life when he failed at attaining _Kolinahr_.

On and on the memories came as Sarek sat before the shrine, his face covered. He saw nothing but the face of his son, he heard nothing but the sound of his child's voice asking questions, relating what he had learned, giving his opinions, greeting him at first light and bidding him a peaceful sleep at day's end.

_/Peaceful rest, my son, until we greet one another Otherside. /_

-

Amanda knew Sarek was home by the heady scent of incense at the front entrance. When she espied his form crumpled in front of the shrine, she thought he had collapsed and she barely restrained herself from rushing to his side. If Sarek had the presence of mind to use the incense, then she knew he was merely performing the death ritual. When she thought he had spent enough time on his knees, she slipped quietly to his side to share the grief that rang like a death knell along their bond.

-

With his face buried in his hands, Sarek was not aware of his wife's presence until he felt her drape an arm over his bowed shoulders. Expecting unabashed grief and weeping, Sarek was unprepared to see the worry and love in Amanda's eyes.

"How is it that you know?" Sarek whispered as he slipped his arms around his wife.

Amanda smiled through her tears.

"Spock came to tell me goodbye."

Sarek sat back, looking deeply into Amanda's eyes, concerned for his wife's sanity.

"I'm not crazy, Sarek," she insisted. "He came to me, he did, and he said, 'I have come to say farewell.' Each time he said it, he was younger and younger until I held my baby in my arms. Oh, Sarek, he smelled of cinnamon and warm milk, just like he did when he was a baby! I had to take out his baby clothes and smell them to be sure."

Now Sarek was certain that his wife was mad with grief. Amanda saw the look in her husband's eyes and presented the side of her face to him.

"Meld with me, if you don't believe me," she insisted.

Sarek raised his fingers to Amanda's face but did not put them in the proper place for a meld. Instead his caressed her cheek with a tremulous hand.

"He's gone," Sarek rasped.

"I know," Amanda whispered.

Sarek raised his head suddenly. "Do we?" he asked. "What do we know for certain? Has anyone contacted us to give the official word?" Sarek got to his feet and began pacing in the small space. "Perhaps there is another explanation."

It was Amanda's turn to question her husband's mental health, but before she could ask him anything further, the sound of an aircar was heard approaching their front gate.

Sarek helped Amanda to her feet and the two walked outside to greet their visitor.

Sarek nearly collapsed when he saw none other than T'Pau approaching him, carrying a neatly folded mourning cloak over one arm. She sat under the great tree in courtyard, draped the cloak over her knees and beckoned them closer with a gesture.

Sarek had to force himself to walk over to the matriarch and kneel with Amanda before her.

"I grieve with thee," the aged woman said in her accented speech.

Sarek had to grope for Amanda's hands for support as he murmured, "We grieve together."

T'Pau shook out the russet morning cloak and draped it over Sarek's shoulders, drawing up the hood. There was no denying it now. Spock truly was dead.

"Not my boy," Sarek pleaded in whispers, "not . . . not my son."

"What happened, _T'sai?"_ Amanda asked gently.

T'Pau turned gentle eyes to the grieving mother. "Thy son gave his life to save the lives of his crew," she said quietly. "I cannot give thee specifics, as the circumstances are wrapped in silence."

Amanda nodded in understanding. Being the wife of an ambassador, she was familiar with the need of secrecy. "When will they be returning his body to us, his _katra?"_ she asked further.

T'Pau's eyes flashed indignantly. "The body of thy son was buried in space," she hissed.

Sarek drew himself up, his eyes burning beneath his hood.

"Barbaric!" he proclaimed. "What of Spock's _katra?"_ he asked.

T'Pau's piercing gaze conveyed to Sarek what his next steps would be.

"No word," she uttered, her tone condemning all those who would ignore cultural traditions.

"Where is the Enterprise now?" Sarek demanded.

"Earth," T'Pau responded.

Sarek came to a decision. He turned to Amanda and said, "My wife, you will stay here on Vulcan and make the final preparations with the help of _T'sai_ T'Pau."

"Where will you go?" Amanda asked worriedly.

"I will go to Earth and demand answers," Sarek said with fiery determination. "I will seek our son's _katra."_ He paused to take a shuddering, calming breath. "I will bring Spock home, Amanda, and we will both have our farewells."

Amanda nodded. She reached into the hood that blocked a casual passerby from glimpsing the naked grief on a mourner's face, and she traced her fingers through the hair around Sarek's ears.

"Success," she murmured. "Go in peace, my husband."

Sarek took her hands and held them to his own forehead. Once again, Amanda had shown herself to be a pillar of strength in crisis and he drew upon that strength to get him through a most difficult trek.

_/I cherish thee/_ he whispered through their bond.

"I know," she responded aloud.

Sarek helped T'Pau to her feet and moved with her to the waiting aircar. He turned back for one last glimpse of his grieving wife. She looked so small and lost in the great courtyard.

/I will bring Spock back, Amanda/ he sent to her, _/one way or another, I will bring him back./_

END part four


	5. Wonder of Wonders

_**5. Wonder of Wonders**_

Summary: Sarek brings Spock home after the _fal to pann_ for a family reunion.

--ooOoo--

"Amanda?"

Amanda had been pacing at the large window overlooking her vast gardens, searching for calm as she waited for word about Spock, and concentrating so strongly on that search for serenity that she did not hear her name being called.

"Amanda?" Sarek called again. _"Aduna?"_

Amanda shook herself out of her reverie and launched herself at her husband.

"What word do you have?" she wanted to ask, but the light in Sarek's eyes spoke volumes.

"Our son waits in the front portico," the ambassador said.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Amanda exploded.

"First," Sarek cautioned, "a warning. High Master T'Lar told me that Spock must find his own memories. He must be allowed to remember people and places on his own, without our help."

Sarek thought back to Spock's shipmates. He would never admit it, but Sarek was impressed at the restraint Spock's shipmates had shown in allowing Spock to find his own way.

Amanda looked into Sarek's eyes as he spoke and marveled at the light gleaming from her beloved _adun's_ eyes. She remembered back a few days ago when she was staying with T'Pau. The matriarch had been speaking to her about plans for Spock's funeral when Amanda felt her marriage bond suddenly start to vibrate and then to sing: _He's alive . . . He's alive . . . He's alive . . . He'saliveHe'saliveHe'saliveHe'salive!_

T'Pau received confirmation shortly thereafter that Spock's body had been found, regenerated and _alive._

Then Amanda received a similar call from Sarek. Not only had Spock's body been found, but his _katra_ had been located as well. There was a possibility that the two could be refused and Spock returned to them, not only alive, but also _whole._ The exciting news proved to be too much for her and she collapsed. Fortunately for Amanda, Doctor Chapel, who had arrived shortly after Sarek had left, was staying with her by the Ambassador's insistence. Christine was at Amanda's side at her collapse, examined her and declared her to be fine. She just needed rest in a more suitable environment. T'Pau instructed Christine to take Amanda back to their home so that she could utilize the "cool room" Sarek had constructed for her.

After Admiral Kirk and crew had returned Spock's body and _katra_ to Vulcan, and after the _fal tor pann_, Sarek offered hospitality and sanctuary at his vast estate. He turned over the comfort and care of the Starfleet officers to Doctor Chapel. The others did not seem surprised to see her there, which intrigued Sarek. But there would be time enough for that tale another day.

At that moment, Sarek wished to accompany Spock as he prowled his childhood home.

"What is this place, _Sa-mekh?"_ Spock asked as he stood in front of his family's impressive home.

"You know this place, my son," Sarek said.

"It is very bright here," Spock observed.

Sarek peered into his son's face. He could feel a perplexed psychic buzzing from Spock as he struggled to understand. "Do you need to take my hand, Little One?"

"I don't understand what's going on, _Sa-mekh,"_ Spock replied in a small voice.

"You are confused, my son," Sarek soothed. "What do you remember?"

"It . . .It is all a jumble," he replied "I remember that I was the only one able to help, but then all is silence." Spock shifted uncomfortably. "It is as though I am looking back at from where I have come but I cannot see my path."

"You need not look back, Spock-kam," Sarek consoled. "Let us only look forward."

"My _katra_ forgets how to sing, Sa-Sa," Spock worried.

"I will teach you how to sing again, Little One," Sarek continued. "There is much to sing about now. Remember, this is your _Sa-mekh's_ job: to ease your fears, to teach you the way of _c'thia,_ and to keep you safe."

"I feel so small and the confusion is so big," Spock worried.

"We will all help you, Spock," Sarek continued.

"But how will I be able to learn the answers to my questions, Sa-Sa?" Spock asked. "I must relearn _everything."_

"We will do all we can for you," Sarek explained, "all of us: your mother, your friends, and myself. We will all help you, Little One."

Spock studied Sarek a moment. "Why did you insist on the _fal tor pann?"_ Spock asked.

"I had to try, Spock-kam," Sarek replied. "I had to try. I could not release you. How could I let go of my heart?" Sarek motioned to the house. "Let us start here," he suggested.

-

Amanda was puttering about in her garden, as she did every day in the coolest part of the morning. As she worked, Amanda marveled over the miracle that had occurred. Spock was _alive!_ The _fal tor pann_ had worked, to a point. As much as she wanted to seek out Spock and clutch him to herself once more, she knew that she should allow Spock to come to her. So, Amanda puttered. She found these actions to be therapeutic and relaxing.

-

Sarek delivered Spock to the garden where he knew Amanda was working. He watched as Spock was drawn to the petite woman working in the shade. Amanda had not noticed her son's approach. /_Turn around,_/ Sarek sent gently along the bond to Amanda, not wanting Spock's quiet approach to startle her.

Amanda was hard pressed not to spin around and scoop her son into her arms. She drank in the sight of him, white robed and with shaggy, unkempt hair. Amanda was reminded of her tousled-headed little boy, roused too soon from his bed for his first day of school. She watched as her son prowled around the flower garden, touching, sniffing, and observing all that he could find there. Spock moved to the Zen-like garden that he had helped to build when he was a toddler. He took a lapis stone from a dish and held it up between them.

"Blue," he said in an uncertain voice, just as he had said to her oh so many years ago, his first word. He held the stone at Amanda's eye level. "Blue," he repeated with more confidence.

"Yes, Spock," Amanda breathed, smiling easliy.

Spock looked intently at this woman with the tantalizingly familiar face. He knew her, he _knew_ that he knew her. _"Ko-mekh?" _he breathed. "Mother?"

"Oh, yes, Spock!" she whispered.

Spock looked at the human woman. He knew she looked fragile as a flower, but he also knew she could be formidable as a _lematya_ with cubs.

Amanda looked on in amazement as a smile broke out on Spock's face, the one he kept only for her yet rarely brought to light. Amanda saw the recent pains fall away from her son, and the bright promise of a new life shine in his eyes.

"I have come to say . . . _hello."_

END Part five

END STORY


End file.
